


Always

by Kellyb1459



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Cancer, I'm Sorry, Multi, Sad, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-06-09 08:42:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6899026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kellyb1459/pseuds/Kellyb1459
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the end of All Time Low's most recent tour and Jack has been experiencing health issues, Alex urges him to go to the doctor and get it checked out. </p><p>This is a story of loss and a family trying to hold on to what they still have left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I've been here before a few times

He could feel bile filling his mouth, it was a constant feeling now for the boy. His head hung over the toilet bowl as he tried to hold back the contents of his stomach. At first he had blamed it on being drunk, but the red tinge to his vomit began to scare him. Jack didn't want to scare anyone, so he tried his best to hide this problem he was having, pushing it aside as some bug going around. 

 

The vomiting was the first sign that something was wrong, but the noticeable factor was Jack's lack of appetite. About two weeks after the vomiting began, he began to eat increasingly less. At first it was skipping a dinner or breakfast every so often, but it soon escalated. Jack hadn't eaten more than a bowl of cereal in the past two days, and even that was difficult to get down. It wasn't like the boy was trying to starve himself, but it seemed like every time he saw even a glimpse of food, he became nauseas. This worried his friends, but he credited it to the bug again. It was simple, he was just sick. What didn't add up was that he was still puking. But this time there was no tinge, he could see the red clearly now. He stared at it, shocked. 

 

"Hey Jack you almost done in there?" Alex said as he knocked heavily on the bathroom door.

"Y-Yeah I'll be out in a second." Jack choked out before he flushed the horror down the drain. He opened to see a concerned look on the older boy's face. "You alright man? Look like you've seen a ghost." Alex laughed as they traded positions. Jack's face didn't change. Sweat began to beat down his face as he felt himself beginning to heave. He coughed violently into his hand, and when he pulled away he noticed that the blood was spotted on his palm as well. He tried to shift his palm away before Alex could see, but failed. The older boy began to panic, asking numerous questions that even he didn't know the answer to. He begged for Jack to go see a doctor. The younger boy tried to calm Alex down, by explaining that it was probably just a bad case of the flu, but Alex wouldn't have it. They came to a compromise that as soon as they landed in Baltimore on Friday that Jack would visit a doctor. 

 

***

He always hated doctor's offices. They were always cold and had an overly clean smell. He also hated the fact that everyone looked so sad around him. Jack, who was one to always be smiling did not adjust well to a room full of monotone voices and content faces. His mind always wandered when he was at the doctor's as well, he blames the pamphlets and magazines for that one. Even as a little boy he would grab one of the pamphlets "Living with (insert disease here)" and ask his mother if he was going to get said illness. One time, when he was about five years old, he grabbed one on birth control and shouted across the room to his mother "Mama do I need to be on the pill?" The whole waiting room chuckled at his comment. He liked that, he enjoyed the attention but even more enjoyed seeing people smile at his actions. He smiled to himself, I guess the doctor's isn't all bad.

 

"Jack Barakat?" the receptionist called out, "Dr. Jones will see you now." 

I followed him out of the room and sat up on the examination table. 

"So, Jack, what seems to be the problem?" He said as he pulled out his notepad. 

"Well, I've been throwing up a lot lately, and um..theres a lot of..blood." He paused for a moment and began to feel around until he felt something and stopped. "Does this hurt?" he pressed under my ribs. "Yes, it does badly." I cringed. He pulled away again and reached for the notepad. He wrote for a while and then excused himself for around ten minutes. When he returned his sat me down, "Mr. Barakat, what I felt under your ribs is your liver," I nodded. "Now, the pain that you felt was because it is abnormally large. The vomiting and blood may be linked to this." 

"Am I going to be ok? What do I need to do?" I asked frantically. 

"First things first I need you to get an MRI and CAT scan, they will hopefully be able to determine what is going on and the type of treatment you will need."

"Treatment...why would I need-"

"Jack, the signs that you are displaying, show either a form of liver cancer or disease, now we can't confirm exactly what you have until you get test-"

 

Have you ever seen one of those movies where the main character gets really awful news and the entire sound just turns into a buzz. The words are mumbled and you can barely make them out, you just sit there in shock, hoping that you'll wake up from this nightmare.

 

 


	2. Promises

When Jack was 15 years old he had a crush on a girl named Stacy. Stacy was a sophomore and the lanky 9th grader was deathly afraid of girls. Despite his nonstop sex jokes, the boy had no idea how to even talk to a girl that wasn't named Mom or May. Alex on the other hand always knew what he was doing. While the older boy was initially shy around girls, they always seemed to be attached to him. Alex always seemed to have this unwavering confidence around people, with everyone. Jack on the other hand was only like that around his best friend, without him he was just an insecure kid who enjoyed pop punk.

 

Their friendship had grown over the past year and had learned each others quirks and habits. It was very uncommon that you would ever see one without the other. They were joined at the hip, best friends and brothers for life. Alex was always good at noticing when Jack was sad or feeling insecure. He himself was self-conscious so it was very easy for him to see the signs.

 

It was a Tuesday afternoon when it happened. Alex's mom had just picked the boys up from band practice and the two were sitting atop the tree that hung over Alex's bedroom window. "She asked me out" Jack had mumbled as he tore apart leaves around him.

"Who?" Alex asked as he threw a stick to the roof. "Stacy?"

Jack nodded shyly. "I probably won't go though"

"What?? Jay.. she's a SOPHOMORE." Alex chuckled, "You'd be crazy not too! I bet you she'll bring you to a party or something."

"Yeah...I know thats the point." Alex looked at him confused. "She'll..She'll probably want to make out or something." The younger boy adjusted himself to another part of the tree, closer to the roof so he could stick his landing. 

"Jack..thats what people do, they kiss." Alex laughed as he watched the other boy leap to the roof and followed.

Jack ran his hand through his hair "I've never done that before." He whispered, hoping not to hear laughter in response.

"You've never kissed anyone before?" Jack shook his head. "hmm..alright, I have an idea." The older boy smirked as he reached for Jack's hand. He led them through Alex's room and motioned him to the bed. "Would you like me to teach you?" 

Jack cocked his head, "You-you want to kiss me?"

"If you want, yeah." Alex smiled "Plus it'll calm you down for your big date if you learn from a pro." he winked playfully.

Jack pushed him and agreed. So they did it. For the next week until Jack's date, the boys would ride over to Alex's home and practice. Each day Alex taught him something new, like where to place his hands. Jack had no idea that there were so many rules to kissing, that there were so many ways to go about it as well, but Alex didn't mind teaching him,  anything to make his best friend happy.

Jack always told people that Stacy was his first kiss. Because in his mind, Alex was just there being a good friend. The older boy would do anything to make his friends happy. He was selfless in that way, he'd always been like that. Jack believed that, that was the reason they were so close. That they could have a 100 petty arguments over hairspray, but one of the boys would do something so simple, so sweet, that all would be forgiven. They truly loved one another, which is why it was so difficult to see Alex's face when Jack broke the news to him. 

Alex tried so hard to hold himself together for Jack, but his emotions ended up defeating him and he ended up curled up, sobbing into Jack's t-shirt. The younger boy held onto his best friend, playing with his hair and doing his best to calm him down. Alex eventually calmed down, and after he wiped the snot and tears from his face, he looked up at his best friend and made him a promise. A promise that he would never leave his side.

"We're brothers" he said as Jack nodded slowly.

"I'm going to fix this Jay.." Alex said as he looked into the other boy's tired eyes. "Everything will be ok.. I promise."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Why did you do all this for me?' he asked. 'I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you.' 'You have been my friend,' replied Charlotte. 'That in itself is a tremendous thing.”   
> ― E.B. White, Charlotte's Web


	3. Stay Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for derogatory language

Anyone who knows Rian Dawson know's how protective he is over his friends. Rian won't admit it, but in high school, he was one of the most popular kids. His older brother Chase had graduated the year before Rian had entered Dulaney, and was friends with everyone from the jocks to the kids on the chess team. This made it almost inevitable that Rian would follow in his footsteps. He may have been known as Chase's little brother, but he sure as hell was respected. Rian wasn't a talkative person when he first met the boys. He was friendly of course, but nothing to the extent of Alex and Jack, no..those two were insane. This level of craziness may have been humorous to Rian, however a lot of the kids around the school found them to be annoying, Jack in particular. The youngest boy was more of a target over Alex due to his lack of caring what people thought about him. Alex may have been a clown around campus, but there was no way he would wear "girl jeans" to school. These were the things that Jack did, because he didn't care.

Jack, will never admit that he was bullied, because in his mind bullying is physical, and not once did any of those people lay a hand on him. So what if they said hurtful things to him? They were just words. It would have been different if the kids were calling Jack a loser or pussy, something that has little to no hatred behind it, but the word that they chose was Rian's least favorite word. The first time Rian had heard it being thrown at Jack was when they were sitting at lunch. Alex was in line with a few of their other friends, so it was just the two of them. Then he heard it.

"Dawson, why are you sitting with that faggot?" The asshole said from the table behind. 

Jack just looked down at his lunch, trying to become invisible. That one line made Rian snap. "What the fuck did you just call him?" He jumped from his seat to the boys table.

"He's a fagg-" He grabbed the bully's collar.

"His name's Jack and if you ever call him that again I swear to god I will beat the living shit out of you." He let go of the boy and sat down in his seat, completely ignoring what had just happened, and continued his conversation with Jack.

No one ever picked on Jack in front of Rian again. They knew that the boy, while younger, would keep his promise. For the most part, kids never picked on Jack to his face again. Every now and then Rian would hear them from a distance say awful things about his best friend, but as soon as they met his eyes they would zip shut, changing their subject immediately to deter Rian's wrath. 

Jack never noticed the kids picking on him, because they never did it in front of him. It never circled back to him. That was until a foggy Friday afternoon, in which Jack had to stay late after school to make up a test. Band practice had been moved an hour later for this and Rian was supposed to pick the younger boy up. Jack waited for Rian by the school statue out front. He figured it would only be about five minutes until the older boy was there so he sat quietly, picking at his backpack.

Rian had seen them first as he pulled around the parking lot. The poor boy didn't see them coming through the fog, didn't notice until he looked up and saw that there was four lacrosse players standing over him.

"Whats up Barafag?" one said as he grabbed Jacks bag and tossed it to another.

One of the boys began pouring out the contents of his backpack onto the grass. Another grabbed his shirt and pushed him down, causing him to trip and fall. Thats when the kicking began, "Where's your boyfriend, gay boy? Nobody here to protect you?" And just like that, through the thickness of the smog, came his hero. Needless to say, Rian beat the shit out those kids that day. Jack, who had a few bruises and a bloody nose from the incident realized something that day, that Rian was always going to be there to look out for him. 

Jack used to laugh about those days in high school with Rian, wondering why it wasn't Alex that protected him from the world. Why Rian was always the one making sure that Jack was safe. The older boy would just laugh, but it made sense to Jack now. Each of the boys had a special relationship to one another. 

Zack was the caring and gentle soul. The one that would rock you to sleep, listen to your complaints, and give sound advice when you needed it. Alex was the lover. He was always up for a cuddle, always available to kiss and hug. Because to him those gestures meant that you loved someone, and he loved his boys. Rian was the protector. He was the planner for all things, and he always knew how to fix a problem and remain calm. 

When Jack sat down with the rest of his best friends, Rian came through with a plan. A plan that would make sure that Jack was ok, because despite his joyful demeanor and reassuring the tearful Zachary that everything would be ok, Rian realized that Jack was having a panic attack. The plan began with Jack first calling his family, which was one of the most difficult things he had ever done. The following step was that the four boys would move in together, this way they could assure that he would be taken care of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”  
> ― Jon Katz


	4. Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought we needed a funny chapter before I go into full sadness mode.

Jack woke the next morning to find a brown haired boy curled next to him. He was snoring softly, much quieter than what Jack was use to. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, although Jack was still able to see the tear stains across is face. It had been a rough night for him, a rough night for all of them to be quite honest, and while all of them were emotionally overwhelmed, it seemed that Zack had taken the hardest.

When Jack had sat his best friends down to explain what was going on, the shy boy latched on to Jack, resting his head on his shoulder and holding his hand tightly. The boys spent that night reminiscing about their high school years. They laughed and they cried but Jack informed them that there was no reason to cry, because he wasn't gone yet. Zack had fallen asleep on Jack's lap shortly after, so with the help of the others he was carried to a guest room. When the boys were about to leave the sleeping boy, Jack felt a tug on his shirt. "Stay please." he heard the brown haired boy whisper. He couldn't bring himself to hurt the poor boy so he went to the other side of the bed and positioned himself so that he was holding Zack. That was the first night in the thirteen years that he had known the boy, that he saw him sleep quietly. 

"Jack?" he whispered, his eyes desperately trying to stay shut. It was morning now which meant that it was time to face the truth. Jack hushed Zack as he sat up on the side of the bed and tried to wake himself up as well.

"SHIT FUCK" he heard Alex whisper-yell out in the kitchen after what sounded like glass break on the tile floor. He rubbed his eyes and searched for his glasses on the side of the bed to make his way out to the scene of the crime. He walked wobbly to the kitchen, Zack following close behind. "What the fuck did you do" Jack said laughing as he found the older boy lying on the ground with what looked like old pasta all over him and glass surrounding him.

"I-I was trying to make you pancakes and- and the chocolate chips were all the way in the back of the fridge so I-" Alex said frantically.

"So you reached back and knocked lasagna all over yourself" Jack laughed hysterically as he and Zack picked up the pieces around him and began to help Alex to his feet.

"It's not funny" he whispered "I just wanted to make everyone happy." 

Jack smiled widely and grabbed the messy boy in front of him and hugged him tightly. "I love you buddy." he whispered into the crook of his neck and pulled away. "You'll always make me smile." 

"So....are having pancakes or...." Zack broke the moment and the two boys jokingly glared at him. "I'm sorry but I'm fucking hungry, so if you two love birds could kindly postpone your moment that would be great." He walked over to the bar and sat down. "Now feed me Alexander."

Alex groaned and continued with his cooking while Jack sat down next to Zack and waited for his meal as well. A little over fifteen minutes later Alex was done with his ginormous stack of pancakes and began to place them perfectly across four plates. Zack and Jack began to tease him.

"Alex hurry up" Zack whined.

"Yeah Gaskarth, what do you want me to do, die of starvation?" Jack cried out just as the front door began to open, Rian stood in the doorway.

"Guess who has DONUTS" He yelled out to the kitchen. The two younger boys jumped out of their seats and ran to their savior, Zack grabbed the boxes and sprinted to the table. "Thanks Dad!" 

Jack grabbed onto Rian dramatically, "Alex has been starving us Rian, thank god you're here." Rian laughed and dragged the younger boy to the kitchen to find an angry Alex standing in the middle with his arms crossed. 

"RIAN DAWSON YOU LITTLE SHIT," he yelled "I told you I was making pancakes this morning and you go out and buy DONUTS?"

"I just figured why not have bo-" 

"Stop trying to be their favorite Ri" 

"Not my fault they like me more.." Rian mumbled as he turned towards the two boys devouring their breakfast.

"What did you fucking say." Alex yelled again.

"Mom, Dad stop fighting!" Jack cried out as he grabbed his plate of pancakes from in front of Alex and gave him a peck on the cheek. "I love both of you equally." he smiled and sat back down next to Zack. 

Alex rolled his eyes, grabbed a plate and some syrup and sat down with the rest of the boys. "So what's on the schedule this week boys?" 

Zack began to go on a spiel about this new workout he learned and how he wanted to try it out. Rian said he needed to have Cass ship some of his clothes out to Los Angeles since he'd be here for the time being. Alex needed to drop by his home as well and pick out what he needed as well. He asked if the guys would mind if he brought his dogs over. They thought that was a great idea. When it became Jack's turn to speak he just got quiet.

"I start chemo and radiation treatments on Friday."

And just like that, the fun was over and they were set back into reality.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”  
> ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower


	5. Runaways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A good friend is like a four leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have." 
> 
> — Irish Proverb

When Alex was twelve years old his brother died and it was the most difficult thing he’d ever had to go through in his life. When Tom passed his parents turned to protecting him at all costs. They sent him to therapy, but soon after it became to costly to attend the catholic school down the road and send their child to a therapist so he had to choose.

Jack remembered the day that he first saw Alex. When the dirty blonde haired boy showed up to Jack’s third period math class he had set in his mind that he would hate this kid. Alex was very quiet, but the girls fawned over him. He hated the way he dressed too. Alex was everything Jack hated, but that would all change soon enough.

It started with an empty table and a pair of headphones, but we’ll get to that story later.

What Jack loved most about Alex was his ability to drop whatever he was doing to be there for the boy. He remembered the first time he called him. Jack had gotten into a fight with his parents over his grades and he just couldn’t handle it anymore. It was the same argument every time. Jack would fail a test or god forbid- get a C on his report card and they would freak. They’d yell at him, tell him he needs to be more like his siblings. He never took those comments well. It hurt him a lot to know he couldn’t be like Joe and May. It was his weakness. His inability to make his parents proud of him. So every time they'd get into an argument, he’d run. He’d run as far as he could and would end up in the same place. On a bench in front of Lake Roland where he’d wait for his best friend to comfort him.

It didn’t matter if Alex was on the other end of the state, he would be there. The first time he called Alex, he told him he was going to runaway. That he didn’t want to be in Maryland anymore. That this was his goodbye. Alex was there within half an hour with a sleeping bag and a knapsack filled with food his mother had made. “Where are we going?” Alex would say as he put an arm around the boy. They never ended up running away, and it usually ended up with Jack sleeping over at Alex’s for a few nights.

This would happen over and over again, and each time Alex would be there. Once they were older and Alex was able to drive he’d occasionally pick up some fast food that he knew Jack would love and they would sit in the car for hours blaring various pop punk artists that they had no clue they'd actually be friends with in the future.

So there he was, parked in front of the hospital doors, Good Charlotte blaring in the speakers giving him the smile he’d seen years prior.

They didn’t say much on the ride home. Alex didn’t ask him about the treatment or how he felt. It wasn’t that Alex didn’t care, but he knew the younger boy needed to get his mind off of it.

“So I talked Keith” Alex said as he turned down the radio some. “I know it’s a little abrupt but how would you feel about a tour this summer?”

Jack knew what he was doing, he shook his head. “Alex...please don’t start to panic over these things, the doctor said I have a good chance if I-”

Alex bit his lip and cut the boy off “but what if he’s wrong?”

Jack’s heart fell some. He turned towards the window not trying to think of what Alex was saying. Of course he knew he was going to die, but fuck it felt good to pretend like he was going to be fine.

“How do you know any venues would take us this late?” He asked softly still watching the cars speed by.

“We could play smaller clubs,” Alex replied quietly knowing he’d made the younger boy upset “More intimate shows would be nice for the fans.”

Jack nodded some in response.

“We would end in Baltimore” Alex said as he turned into their neighborhood. “It’d be nice to be home when-”

“When I die?” Jack said bluntly and immediately felt horrible when he turned to see the look on the older boys face. He’d pulled off to the side of the road just a few streets away from where they were staying. Alex’s hands covered his face. He was holding in his sobs.  
Jack frowned and unbuckled himself before reaching over and pulling the boy’s hands down. His eyes were glossed over and puffy. His bottom lip trembled as he looked into Jack’s eyes.

“I’m sorry i'm just-” Alex began to apologize but Jack cut him off almost immediately.

“Where are we going first?” He asked with a faint smile.

Alex smiled some and pulled Jack in for a hug despite his emergency brake digging into his abdomen. Things would be ok, they would be ok for now and that's all they needed to know.


End file.
